I Spit it Out

Before you read this if you haven't read "All While Having to Pee" please familiarize yourself with it (Wow a homework assignment to read a blog...thats low Adam)

Now that you have familiarized yourself with my the wonderful world that is my conditioning we may continue.  

If anyone is looking for a weight loss plan I have exactly what you need.  I'll even share my secrets for free.

Day 1: Run up a mountain

Day 2: Run up the same mountain

Day 3: Suck it up and do it again

Repeat until desired weight has left your body....because it will...along with any other energy to do anything productive with your life (ex. go to work, laugh, drive, take care of your kids).

As a result of this workout plan I have lost almost 10 kilos...lets do some conversions...that is close to 20 POUNDS.  I looked in the mirror and wondered how the little african kid who is on the ten cents a day commercials was staring back at me.  Now for those who are gonna try and act cute and be like "oh em gee I would do anything to lose that weight you are so lucky"  SHUT UP NO YOU WOULDNT I JUST TOLD YOU TO RUN UP THE MOUNTAIN BUT YOU ARE STILL HERE READING!!!....ok...caps lock off....deep breath...and continue..  Needless to say apparently the food I was consuming wasn't cutting it.  I wasn't going to allow myself to lose more weight (although having the fabled 8 pack is a decent side effect...i was thinking of posting a picture of it but remember that this is a family friendly blog and not myspace)

It was time for a trip to the grocery store.

I ask one of my teammates if he can take me to the store so I can get some food.  He says he has some errands to run so he can drop me off and pick me up when he is done.  When we get there the following conversation ensues (what a sweet word)..

Teammate: "Well actually its probably better if I come in with you"

Ignorant American: "No, dude i'll be fine run your errands and meet me back here."

Teammate: "Adam, are you sure?"

Ignorant American: "Dude I have been grocery shopping before it is no big deal."

Teammate: "Ok, but what about the la--"

I had already hopped out of the car and closed the door anxious to get my skeletal frame some much needed nourishment.  It wasn't until I walked in and got a cart that I realized why he was so hesitant to leave me by myself and what he was trying to tell me when i closed the door.

Language.

Oh.

Crap.

I have no idea what anything says in the whole store.  I can now only go based on sight.  Here is a side note.  Bulgarian isnt like spanish or french or even portugese, it is not written in latin based characters....so I can make out absoutely nothing.

you tell me...

Here is a side note about me (can you have two side notes after one another? oh wait I can cuz its MY BLOG).  I am very picky, I hate trying new foods, and I'm a baby when I don't like something...this is shaping up to be a very successful ten month stay.

I walk down the fruit and vegetable aisle...ok...i know what fruits are I'll get some of those.  I pick up some bananas, apples and oranges put them in my cart.  I pick up some peaches too, the flies that are trapped inside are grateful as they fly away.  I put the peaches back..

As I head off i get a tap on my lower back and see a little lady staring up at me.

Bewildered American: "Yes?"

Store Employee: "Kasjdh ewo asjfg paie hfiewr jdogfuwe jhdsiefw."

Bewildered American: "Sorry I dont understand."

Store Employee: "K a s j d h...e w o...a s j f g...p a i e...h f i e w r...j d o g f u w e...j h d s i e f w."

Ok...lets just get this straight...if I dont know ANY of the language saying words I dont know SLOWER is only going to result in the same look on my face and a wasted 10 seconds of each others lives.  She then takes the fruit out of my cart and puts them on this scale which spits out the price...they really should have a sign that says to do that....not that I could read it anyways..they probably do now that I think about it.

However not to be deterred I move on to my next options...i realize after much looking around I only recognize cereal and sandwich supplies.  All the jellies have no pictures and look the same.  I am fine with that as long as it is not grape.  I hate grape. I grab some peanut butter and some turkey (i think) and cheese and head to get some drinks.

Now here is another example of just sticking to getting what you know.  I see this drink that has all these beautiful fruits on it.  I obviously have to get it.  I also see one that has strawberries and bananas. well I love them both so why not...now did adam get the regular apple and orange juice? no he didnt...he wanted to be bold and try something new...

I realize that I am not very good at shopping when I get home and realize that I bought sugar (???), a liter of sprite ( i told myself it was for "special occasions"...wth??? like i actually said that out loud in the store...what special occasions am i gonna have??), and olives....ok dont ask about the olives i was craving them (they remain unopened in my fridge).  I decide to try some of the new drinks I have and make a sandwich.  I try the first drink that I thought was just soo colorful.

I spit it out.

That was terrible.  I look at the lable and wonder why there isn't a picture of an old shoe, brown sugar, and a gym sock as the taste was more comparable to that.  I open the one with bananas and strawberries it seems like a safe bet.

I spit it out.

It tasted like cherry cough medicine mixed with rock salt...miserable.

I decide to make a peanut butter and....oh come ON GRAPE????? This is becoming absurd.  I have two choices I can either be a baby about it and not eat it or I can be a man (or really an adult) and eat what I bought.  I say to myself you know what? I can handle a little grape jelly Adam you don't need to be a baby anymore.  Its probably not even that bad (I dont think I've had grape jelly in like 13 years.)  I suck it up and take a bit out of the sandwich.

I spit it out.